12 PM . Midnight in Bangalore. Pitch Dark. Out in the balcony. Smoke on my lips. Overlooking the lush green. Mother nature. Dead calm . Inside. More than anything else, I feel worry free right now. I feel alive. I am not shaking. I don’t feel like complaining, about anything. I am not numb. Just comfortable.
There is a strange calm about my mind that I haven’t felt since years. Excessive planning, ambitions and expectations, worries, trying to do many things at the same time, running away from facing fears and unpleasant situations, indecision, anxiety, nervousness about the future, brooding over past, insecurities over imperfections have dogged my life for the last 10 years. And that should be just about enough, isn’t it!
This morning I met Gungun who is now an year and half. I saw her when she was born . What did I see today? A look of absolute glee on her face .Eyes squinched up to straight lines, screaming at the top of her voice. You never know what goes on inside that little head of her . A mind that's worry free, A mind that's anxiety free , a mind that's without any nervousness about the future , a mind that just lives in the moment . An absolutely free mind and a beautiful one. It defines freedom. You got to see it, to know what the heck I am talking about. You got to see those eyes, that expression, the glee and the noise level.
I left the sight of Gungun after an hour or so but her glee was still infront of my eyes and I was thinking if I am losing it . I could have wept like a kid when I left my mother at the airport last week, were it not for the good old ‘Act your age’ voice inside my head. Well, I escaped with moist eyes. Quite commendable indeed, if you saw bapa, 62 years of age, father of three grown-up adults, seen it all, been through it before, done it all, strong man of experience, fighting hard with the ‘you-thought-it-wasnt-there’ tear glands of his. Kerchief in hand, he had the ‘Dont-look-at-me-right-now-You-might-be-thinking-I-am-crying-but-I-am-not’ look. You could forgive the women. Tears are part of their inner fabric, flesh and blood for their emotional skeletons. Can I not become Gungun again ? Can I not weep again in my mother's lap ? Worry free? I am losing it !!
I am quietened. Cool breeze outside my balcony. The world is an incredible place, full of amazing experiences. I just need to stop and think, and soak in it as they happen to me. Life is not the sum total of what we do in our days. More often than not, it is all the things that we cannot do, or sometimes just forget to do in the midst of the daily grind. Things that remain in our subconscious, waiting for that quiet moment to show their faces. The mind is an inexplicable mesh of thoughts. It is just impossible to see clearly all the time. But we try, in the course of self discovery. Everyone does, I guess, at some point or the other. I don’t know what I want. I haven’t the faintest idea. I just know right now, that I need to be worry free. I need to get back the beautiful mind like that of Gungun.
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